What Makes Us...Men

What if masculinity isn’t innate—but taught? And what happens when we start to unlearn it?

In this episode, we sit down with TJ—a queer, trans, Middle Eastern-Armenian man and recovering academic—to explore how masculinity is shaped by culture, race, faith, and family. From drag king stages to circles of men of color who welcomed him without question, TJ shares how rare affirmations helped him understand his identity.

We trace these moments to broader systems: patriarchy as a colonial export, whiteness as the default for “acceptable” masculinity, and media narratives that shame Black culture while excusing white-coded genres. Our conversation spans Vermont, Chicago, and India’s vibrant streets, where trans women offer blessings and male friendships include hand-holding without stigma.

We wrestle with anger, pacifism, and fatherhood’s quiet fears. TJ reflects on why rejecting the label “man” once felt safer—and how embracing it became a way to challenge the link between masculinity and violence. We also talk faith: a Quaker lens that centers human light, and an atheist ethic that grounds goodness without divine reward.

This isn’t a checklist for being a man—it’s a practice. Affirm without policing. Unlearn whiteness as the norm. Make space for male intimacy beyond sex or aggression. Honor trans wisdom that expands the path for all.

If masculinity is taught, it can be retaught—toward care, consent, and connection.

🎧 Subscribe, share with someone who’ll push the conversation, and leave a review with one thing you’re unlearning about manhood. What part of the script would you rewrite?

Chapters

• 0:00 Setting The Question: What Makes Us Men?
• 1:23 TJ’s Journey And Early Affirmations
• 5:05 Men Of Color, Belonging, And Recognition
• 9:10 Positive Masculinity In POC Spaces
• 13:40 Culture, Music, And Shifting Norms
• 19:05 India, Spirituality, And Visibility
• 24:05 Naming Patriarchy, Whiteness, And Power
• 30:20 Faith, Morality, And Control
• 36:20 Masculinity, Violence, And Fatherhood
• 43:00 Trans Masculinity And Rethinking “Man”
• 49:20 Loneliness, Intimacy, And Male Friendship
• 55:20 White Masculinity vs Cultural Masculinities
• 1:01:00 Openness Over Answers: Closing Reflections
• 1:07:00 Thanks, Next Steps, And Listener Invite